Finding Common Ground When Different Parenting Styles Clash. Which Style is Right?
Parenting with a partner can feel like an intricate dance—especially when you gravitate toward different parenting styles. You may wonder which style is right or if there's room for both approaches in your family. As developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind discovered in her groundbreaking research on the 4 types of parenting styles, how we parent significantly impacts our children's development. But what happens when parents don't agree on which approach to take?
"Most of the issues are probably due to fear," explains Gabriele Nicolet, parent coach and child development specialist. "The parent who wants to have things a particular way usually has a fear that their child is going to turn out some way that's not good or they're going to have something bad happen to them later on."
When these differences arise, many parents struggle to find common ground, leading to tension that children inevitably sense. Understanding how to navigate these differences isn't just about keeping the peace—it's about creating a nurturing environment where your children can thrive.
When Parents Don't Share the Same Parenting Style
You go along with your own life in your 20s and 30s, developing independent thinking and approaches to how you spend your time. Then suddenly, you're parenting with someone who might have entirely different ideas about child-rearing.
"When you choose to have a baby with somebody, they come with their own set of how they were raised and what is right," Nicolet points out. "Everyone can't be on the same page at all times."
Parents often struggle most when they occupy opposite ends of the spectrum—perhaps one takes a more permissive approach while the other leans authoritarian. Or maybe one parent is highly involved while the other remains more distant.
"The worst way [to handle these differences] is to keep doing what they're doing without talking about it," Nicolet warns. "That's just a recipe for disaster."
Different parenting styles may create confusion for children who receive mixed messages about expectations and limits. Children tend to notice these inconsistencies quickly, sometimes even using them to their advantage by approaching the "easier" parent when they want something.
"If you're not thinking about it and talking about it, then you're unconsciously reenacting this," explains Nicolet. "And if you are unconsciously reenacting this, then your child is going to know that and they are going to poke. And they're going to poke and poke and poke until everybody's nervous system is fried."
However, research shows that having parents with complementary strengths can also benefit children, provided parents work as a team rather than undermining each other's approaches.
The Impact of Parental Disagreement on Child Development
Children feel the tension between parents, even when parents think they're hiding it well. The relationship between parents serves as one of the most powerful models for how children learn to handle conflict and differences in their own lives.
Children raised in homes with significant parental conflict often experience:
Confusion about rules and consequences
Anxiety about "taking sides"
Skills in manipulating different parental expectations
Difficulty developing consistent internal guidelines for behavior
"Your child is learning how to be a human upon the earth, and they don't have it figured out yet," Nicolet reminds us. "I have it a little bit more figured out, and so I'm gonna have some compassion for this little space alien who is living in my house."
This compassionate view helps parents focus on their child's emotional well-being rather than on winning disagreements with their co-parent.
Why "Right Way" Thinking Doesn't Work
Many parents get stuck in believing there's only one correct approach to parenting. This rigid thinking can lead to ongoing power struggles between parents.
"If you think there are only two ways to do something, your brain is lying to you," Nicolet states emphatically. "So if you're in the position where you’re saying, ‘no, it has to be my way’, or, ‘if I can't do it my way, then I have to do it his way. No, you don't. There are so many options in the middle."
All-or-nothing thinking creates unnecessary conflict and misses opportunities for creative solutions that might incorporate the best elements of different parenting styles.
Parents often struggle because they're operating from unconscious beliefs about what makes good parenting. Perhaps these ideas come from how people had parents who raised them, from books they've read, or from their own fears about what might happen if they parent differently than expected.
"That belief comes from somewhere," Nicolet explains. "And it might not be yours. It might have been programmed by your early childhood experiences. It probably was. And the question becomes, is that something you want to take with you? Is that how you're going to actively choose to live your life? Or is it something that's hurting you and you would rather modify and adopt something new."
Unlike authoritative parents who can be flexible while maintaining important boundaries, inflexible parents might miss seeing what their individual child actually needs in any given moment.
Strategies for Finding Common Ground
Rather than forcing one parent's style on the entire family, supportive parents can look for ways to honor each other's strengths while building a coherent approach. Here are practical strategies for parenting together despite different natural styles:
Focus on Shared Values Rather Than Specific Tactics
Most parents agree on fundamental goals: raising happy, healthy, capable children who grow into their best self. When disagreements arise, gentle parenting approaches suggest returning to these shared values.
"It's not that you have to do everything your child wants, or that you have to do everything your spouse wants, or that your spouse has to do everything you say, or that your child has to do everything you say. That's not how it works," explains Nicolet.
Instead, she recommends "ongoing conversation and checking in" about what matters most to both parents.
Allow for Different Approaches When Appropriate
Not every parenting decision requires perfect alignment. Permissive and neglectful parenting aside, there's often room for parents to have their own unique relationships with children.
"Let your parenting partner do it differently," Nicolet advises. She gives a practical example: "Lots of moms care about how their kids are dressed. I'm generalizing here. And lots of moms also don't want to get their kids dressed every day. So sometimes we might ask the other parent to dress the child. Now, if we do that, they're going to do it, but they're going to do it differently. And your child is going to come down dressed with plaid and stripes some of the time, or two different socks, or long sleeves instead of short sleeves. Leave it alone. Why? Because they're not doing it wrong, they're just doing it differently."
This approach allows both parents to contribute while also experiencing the difference between preference, necessity and the power of flexibility.
Consider the Energy Behind Your Parenting Practices
Nicolet emphasizes a profound insight that transcends specific parenting styles: "The energy from which you do things matters more than the actual things that you do."
She explains that parents can co-sleep or not co-sleep, use particular discipline approaches or different ones, but what truly impacts children's emotional development is the intention and emotional tone behind these choices.
"You can be really pissed off and resentful about your kid coming into your bed. And that will create one set of experiences for both you and your child. Or you can be really accepting of your kid coming into your bed, and that will create a completely different set of experiences for you and your child."
This perspective moves beyond the restrictions of formal parenting styles toward something more nuanced—understanding that attachment styles and child development are influenced as much by emotional authenticity as by specific parenting techniques.
Understanding the 4 Parenting Styles According to Baumrind
Let's briefly touch on the four parenting styles identified by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind:
Authoritative Parenting: These parents set clear limits for children while remaining warm and responsive. They enforce rules but explain the reasons behind them. Research shows that children of authoritative parents tend to develop healthy self-esteem and strong social bonds. Authoritative parents create environments of open communication where children make decisions with guidance.
Authoritarian Parenting: Authoritarian parents have high expectations and strict rules with limited flexibility. Children raised in these homes might struggle with independent thinking. These parents tend to focus heavily on compliance rather than understanding.
Permissive Parenting: Permissive parents are nurturing but provide minimal structure. Permissive parents often avoid confrontation and set few boundaries, which can affect a child's understanding of consequences of their actions.
Uninvolved/Neglectful Parenting: This style involves low structure and low warmth. Children of neglectful parents tend to have low self-esteem and often develop attachment styles that make building healthy relationships challenging. Without proper role models, these children frequently struggle with emotional regulation. (PS - if you’ve read down this far, you are FAR from a neglectful parent)
How a Parent Coach Can Help Navigate Different Approaches
When parents find themselves consistently at odds over parenting approaches, sometimes outside support can be invaluable. A parent coach offers a neutral perspective and helps identify paths forward that respect both parents' concerns.
A parent coach helps "by validating everybody's experience," Nicolet explains. "I think it's just a neutral party where everybody gets to be right some of the time and everybody gets to bend some of the time. Most people just really want to be heard and understood."
Parent coaching differs from other interventions in several key ways:
Identifying Underlying Beliefs
Parents often react based on unconscious scripts rather than conscious choices. A parent coach helps uncover these hidden motivations.
"That comes from somewhere," Nicolet notes about parental beliefs. "That belief comes from somewhere. And it might not be yours. It might have been programmed by your early childhood experiences."
By bringing these assumptions into the light, parents can make more deliberate choices about which parenting practices they want to embrace, rather than simply reacting from programming.
Providing Multiple Solutions, Not One "Right" Answer
Unlike some parenting books or single parenting approaches that prescribe one method, a parent coach helps parents explore various options that might work for their unique family.
"A parent coach can be that neutral third party who, again, has that bird's eye view of the situation from a place of, let's try this and see what happens, report back," says Nicolet.
This flexibility allows for tailored strategies that incorporate elements from different parenting styles—perhaps combining the warmth of permissive parenting with the necessary structure of more authoritative approaches.
Supporting Implementation Without Judgment
Many parents fear judgment when seeking advice about parenting difficulties. A coach creates a safe space for honest discussion.
"If you're with a parent coach, with regular parenting coaching sessions, you can say, 'okay, I tried XYZ. You told me to try XYZ. And I tried it and this is how it went down,'" Nicolet explains. The coach can then help refine the approach: "Maybe let’s try and tweak that? Or I understand what happened. So maybe this is what's going on."
This ongoing support helps parents adopt new strategies more successfully than they might on their own.
Helping Parents Feel Better Regardless of Outcomes
Perhaps most importantly, Nicolet emphasizes that "a parent coach can help you feel better even if nobody's behavior changes, which seems like a really weird thing to say."
This powerful insight recognizes that sometimes the most significant change isn't in specific behaviors but in how parents perceive and respond emotionally to parenting challenges.
Moving From Conflict to Collaboration
Finding common ground doesn't mean one parent must surrender their values or that children should experience wildly different expectations depending on which parent is present. Instead, it means creating a collaborative approach that incorporates the strengths of different parenting styles.
Create Space for Regular Communication
"The best way [to come together] is ongoing conversation and checking in," advises Nicolet. These conversations should happen away from the heat of disagreement—not when you're both frustrated by a parenting challenge.
Set aside time to discuss your parenting philosophies, concerns, and observations about what seems to be working or not working for your child. Open communication helps prevent misunderstandings and builds mutual respect.
Look for Creative "Third Way" Solutions
Rather than seeing disagreements as either/or propositions, look for innovative approaches that address both parents' concerns.
For example, if one parent values independence (permissive leaning) while the other prioritizes structure (more authoritarian), you might create clearly defined areas where your child has complete freedom to choose, while maintaining firm boundaries in other areas.
Nicolet recalls a personal example: "I was the keeper of all of the food information. I knew what my son needed to take with him to his babysitters for the day for food. It was in my head. And I was resenting the hell out of my husband for never packing his lunchbox."
Her solution?: "I posted a list on the fridge of what the food needs were, I was still in charge of the food. But then my husband could pack the lunch."
This creative approach maintained her expertise while sharing the workload more fairly—a win for everyone involved.
Recognize When Differences Can Be Beneficial
Different parenting styles may actually benefit children by exposing them to varied approaches. Children of authoritative parents tend to develop resilience and flexibility by experiencing different perspectives.
"Maybe that's the thing that's gonna teach your kid about their body and how it feels when they put junk into it versus when they put quality fuel into it. And they wouldn't learn that lesson otherwise if they didn't have this experience of contrast between the two environments," Nicolet explains when discussing divorced parents with different food rules.
This perspective helps parents see potential value in their differences rather than viewing them solely as problems to overcome.
The Ongoing Journey of Co-Parenting
Finding harmony between different parenting styles isn't a one-time achievement but an ongoing conversation. As children develop and family circumstances change, parents must continue adapting their approaches.
"Any approach is available," Nicolet reminds us. "The question is: what type of experience do you choose?"
Whether you tend toward authoritative parenting or find yourself somewhere between other styles, the most important factor may be your willingness to grow and adapt alongside your co-parent and your child.
If you're struggling to navigate parenting differences, remember that support is available. A parent coach can help identify underlying patterns, suggest practical strategies, and provide the emotional support needed to transform conflict into collaboration.
"Parent coaching can help a lot by teasing out what are the underlying beliefs that are causing you to think something," Nicolet explains. "Is that something you want to take with you? Is that how you're going to actively choose to live your life? Or is it something that's hurting you and you would rather modify and adopt something new."
By approaching parenting differences with curiosity rather than judgment, you can create a home environment where both parents and children thrive—not despite your differences, but sometimes because of them.
Gabriele Nicolet is a parent coach, child development specialist, and speech therapist who helps parents understand complicated kids. Through family coaching, she provides tools and strategies for parents to help their children thrive while reducing family stress.