It’s Not About the Approach

People often ask me, “what’s your therapy approach?” or “what’s your parenting approach?” or “what’s the best parenting style?”

I want to be really clear from the beginning that I don’t endorse any single approach to parenting or to therapy. I use a mix of techniques with my speech therapy families depending on what I see and what I think they need. I’m trained in many different (and sometimes apparently opposing) treatment strategies, and I use different tools for different clients. Likewise, when I’m coaching families, it’s never a “one-size-fits-all” approach. Families are different; people are different.

But, here’s what I’ll say. For anything parenting-related, the underlying foundations of everything - every tool, every technique, every tip, every strategy --are attachment and attunement. 

What do I mean by this? (If you jumped right to “attachment parenting”, roll it back a second, please. Attachment Parenting -- Capital A, Capital P --  has become its own “approach” and that is not what I am talking about when I say attachment.) What I AM talking about is this:

The fundamental starting point for all learning and relationships is a shared connection in which you see and acknowledge your child as a unique person with gifts to offer and a place in this world (attachment); and then a process of helping them get to know, like and trust you and themselves (attunement). 

An attachment-based relationship is one in which you - the adult - begin to learn as much as you can about your growing child:  who they are; why they do the things they do; why the say the things they say; why they act like a wild animal some of the time; why they push all your buttons and get on your last nerve; and why you will go to the ends of the earth to love and protect them from all harm.

You learn all this about your child so that you can attune to them and show your child how to effectively: 

1) respond to themselves - to understand their emotions, experiences and perceptions -- and build self concept and self-esteem

2) respond to the world around them - what “happens” to them - and build resilience

3) respond to other people and build relationships

When I work with a child to treat their speech or language challenges, I’m never just pulling out therapy techniques and “fixing things”. My success in helping a child make progress in therapy DEPENDS ABSOLUTELY on my relationship with them. I cannot force anyone to speak - nor would I try. I can only create the environment and relationship in which a child feels invested enough, safe enough and attached enough to WANT to speak. 

Learning happens IN RELATIONSHIP.

The same is true for you.  Which means that:  It mostly doesn’t matter what parenting approach you use, as long as what you are doing is based on a foundation of a strong connection to your child. Developmental knowledge helps too, but it doesn’t matter if you “Ferberize” or Fade Sleep or Pick Up Put Down to sleep train; it doesn’t matter if you have a really rigid schedule or a really loose one; it doesn’t matter if your child goes to preschool or doesn’t. It doesn’t matter if you’re using Gentle Parenting, Attachment Parenting, Positive Parenting, or Conscious Parenting. 

If you know your child and have a strong bond with them that’s based on trust and connection, the specifics don’t matter that much. 

That’s probably liberating and terrifying all at the same time. What I’ll try to do here is share some strategies that are based in child development research and my own experience. I’ll also give you tips and tricks to get through your difficult child raising moments. But, my biggest hope is that you’ll gain confidence and trust in your ability to become the parent that your unique, individual, wonderful little person needs you to be.

You are setting patterns for a lifetime of relationship with your child, who will - one day - be an adult. If all goes well, you’ll have a longer relationship with that future adult than with the current child. Ever thought about that?? If you’re in a hurry to “get them out of the house” so you can start having that adult relationship with them and stop correcting their behavior all the time, think again. The things you say and do NOW are setting up that future relationship. The time you put in now is what you’ll get back later. The work you put in now -- and parenting is hard work, make no mistake -- is what gets you that relationship later. It’s a little like an interest-earning bank account. The more you put in early, the more you get later. 

So, let’s get going! This is going to be an amazing adventure!