Teaching Manners Doesn’t Have to Be Aggravating
How can we teach kids to have good manners?
With Thanksgiving coming up, gratitude and manners are going to be a big topic of discussion. We want our kids to have Good Manners. We don’t want them to be rude. We want them to be Nice People. We don’t want them to be Jerks.
We want them to say “please” and “thank you”.
We want them to chew with their mouths closed.
We want them to appreciate the things we do for them.
It turns out that kids have to be a little older in order to appreciate the things we do for them (Like, basically, full on adults), so we’re gonna let that one lie for now (and come back to it later).
But, for the basics, like “please” and “thank you”, here’s what you need to know:
Your children will need MANY MORE PRACTICE OPPORTUNITIES of this than you think they should need.
It’s not personal when they forget. It’s just their uncooked brains at work.
Particularly for complicated kids, repetition is hugely important. It might take an autistic child many, many practices to master the art of saying “thank you”. It might take a child with apraxia - who has trouble saying sounds - many opportunities to say “please” in a recognizable way. It will certainly take a child with ADHD many repetitions to remember their manners.
Here’s the good news: there are TONS of opportunities during the week to teach and practice manners. And if we can stay calm while we repeat ourselves 10000000000 times, our kids will also stay calm enough to learn them. Here are some general principles.
Model, Model, Model
Manners are learned mostly by modeling, not by teaching. Which means that our kids need to SEE US USING OUR MANNERS and then also practice using theirs
Many
Many
Many
Times.
Don’t say, “say please”
For the love of all that is developmentally appropriate, avoid saying “say please” whenever possible. Telling kids to say please often backfires and makes them less likely to say it. Additionally, it’s building an extra (unecessary) step into the whole process and is more likely to make your kid ornery about the whole manners thing.
Think of it this way: they ask for something, you get it and hold it in front of their face while saying “say please”; then they say please and you usually make them repeat the whole thing again for good measure. Then they’re pissed and you still haven’t given them the thing, which means now they’re yelling at you for the thing because they haven’t gotten it yet. And now you’re mad too.
How about, they ask for something (“can I have the…”) and you say, “Can I have the .. please” while giving it to them. Repeat 23436 times and you’ve got a good recipe for manners.
Practice Through Play
Playtime can be a great opportunity to practice manners. If your child is playing with toys, you can join in and model polite language. For instance, if they’re playing with a tea set, you can say, “May I have some tea, please?” and then respond, “Thank you!” when they pretend to pour it. You can also role-play different situations where polite phrases would be used, such as playing store or restaurant. The key here is MODELING, not forcing your child to say these words.
Build manners into daily life
You’ll have an easier time teaching manners if you embed them into daily life. If you build the practice and the modeling of manners into your daily routine, you’ll be practicing them consistently and frequently. And that’s how you get to mastery.
So, if YOU say, “Thanks, mom” every time you hand your child an item that they want, your child will hear you say that 134594583 times and eventually begin to repeat it (because it’s just what happens). See how easy that is? So much easier than yelling at your kid every time they forgot to say “thank you”. And WAY more effective. I promise.
For tweens and teens, I have often used this strategy to remind them to say “thank you”. If I’ve given a ride to a friend, or am doing someone a favor and they’ve (temporarily) forgotten to say “thanks”, I say to them before they get out of the car, or before I pull away, “Is there anything you want to say to me?” Almost immediately, they’ll remember and say “oh! Thanks for the ride!”, in which case I can happily say, “You’re welcome! Anytime.” And everyone feels good. If they’re still confused, I might say, “I think you wanted to thank me for the ride, right?”, let them thank me and then happily say, “You’re welcome!” Everyone still feels good.
Let it be easy
Teaching manners doesn’t have to be onerous, and we don’t have to be grumpy about it. Each time our child forgets to say please or thank you is just information that they haven’t learned yet. The rest (thoughts about how other people will think they’re rude and you’re a terrible parent, etc.) is NOISE. Meet your kiddo where they are and keep modeling. You’ll get there.
xo G