What Is This “Dysregulation” Everyone’s Talking About?

The subject of dysregulation (and regulation) is one that comes up a lot when we’re talking about Safety (neurological safety). So, I wanted to get really clear on what dysregulation actually is (and what it’s not).

What is Dysregulation?

"Dysregulation" is a term used to describe when a person has trouble managing their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Think of it as the opposite of being calm and in control. When a person is dysregulated, they might have a meltdown, scream, cry, hit, or even shut down and become very quiet. Dysregulation can happen when a person feels overwhelmed, frustrated, tired, hungry, scared, or even excited. It describes the brain state that a person is in. It’s a (temporary) neurological reality in which a person’s higher-thinking brain areas are essentially “off-line”. It’s also called a “fight/flight/freeze/fawn” state. 

Can you relate?

Did you notice in that last paragraph that I used the word “person” and not “child”?

(Hey, Gabriele: I thought we were talking about kids here.  Welllll. Turns out, all humans go through periods of regulation and yes, dysregulation. Even adults.)

What does dysregulation look like?

If a preschooler is playing a game and suddenly can’t figure out how to make a toy work, they might start to cry, throw the toy, or stomp their feet. In that moment, their brain is having trouble handling the problem, and they don’t have the skills yet to calm themselves down. That’s dysregulation in action.

If an grown up hasn’t had their coffee or a full night’s sleep and then a child pees the bed and spouse is on a business trip and the car has a flat tire, their brain is going to have trouble handling the problem(s), and although they might have the skills to calm themselves down, it’s going to be hard. That’s also dysregulation in action.

What is Regulation?

"Regulation," on the other hand, is when a person is able to manage their emotions and behaviors in a way that allows them to stay calm or quickly return to being calm after feeling upset. It means they can deal with things that don’t go their way without having a big meltdown. 

For instance, if a child wants to keep playing but has to get ready for bed, a well-regulated child might pout or feel sad, but they can manage those feelings and move on without a huge outburst.

If a grown-up has had a full night’s sleep and a great cup of coffee and a workout, the flat tire on the way to work might not feel like such a big deal and not send them “over the edge”.

Why is Dysregulation Common in Children?

Children are still developing the brain skills they need to manage their emotions. Their brains are growing, but aren't fully cooked yet. This means it’s hard for kids to handle strong feelings like frustration, disappointment, or anger. Because of this, young kids (and especially complicated kids) often need help from the adults around them to learn how to calm down and find solutions when things don’t go their way. 

It’s normal for kids to have moments of dysregulation because they are learning how to navigate the world, express their feelings, and understand the rules around them. Sometimes, their big emotions take over, and they don’t yet have the skills to handle them all on their own.

How Can Parents Help?

Here are a few ways you can help your child learn to regulate their emotions:

1. Stay calm yourself: Kids often look to adults to figure out how to react. If you can stay calm when they are upset, it can help them feel more secure. Try taking a few deep breaths or rubbing your palms together slowly and mindfully (this really does work!)  when your child is having a hard time.

2. If you can’t stay calm, figure out why: there are often really good reasons (based in your childhood or other experiences) why you can’t stay calm in the face of a screaming lunatic child. Figure out what the block is with a coach, therapist or good friend so that you can get to calm. It’s totally possible and totally worth doing.

3. Acknowledge their feelings: Let your child know that it’s okay to feel sad, mad, or frustrated. You might say, “I can see you’re really upset because you want to keep playing. It’s okay to feel that way.” This helps them feel understood, which can make it easier for them to calm down. (PS - we’ll talk about enforcing boundaries later.)

4. Teach them words for their feelings: Kids may act out because they don’t know how to express what they’re feeling. Teach them simple words to describe their emotions, like “happy,” “sad,” “mad,” “scared,” “frustrated”, or even “surprised”. When they can name what they’re feeling, they can start to learn how to deal with those feelings.

5. Create a predictable routine: Children feel more secure when they know what to expect. Having a consistent routine helps kids feel more in control and can reduce moments of dysregulation.

Be Patient and Practice Together

Learning to regulate emotions is a skill that takes A LONG TIME, and even adults don’t get it right every time (!). Kids need lots of guidance, patience, and practice. By understanding your own regulation and dysregulation cycles and then by helping your child understand their emotions and teaching them how to manage them, you’re giving them tools they can use for the rest of their lives.