Coregulation: The Secret to Helping Your Child Stay Calm 

coregulation-the-secret-to-helping-your-child-stay-calm

If you read any child development and parenting stuff, you will have come across the term coregulation. It’s one of the most powerful tools parents have when it comes to helping their kids manage big emotions—but what is it exactly? And why is it so important?  

Coregulation is when a parent or caregiver uses their own calm, regulated nervous system to help their child return to a state of balance. It’s the process of lending out your stability when your child has lost theirs. Because all kids—especially kids with sensitive nervous systems—struggle to calm down on their own, they rely on the adults around them to guide them back to a place of safety and regulation.  

So, what does coregulation actually look like?  

- Your baby is crying, and you pick them up, speaking softly as you rock them. Their cries slow, then stop.  

- Your toddler is having a meltdown over the wrong-colored cup, and instead of snapping, “It’s just a cup!” you sit next to them, breathing deeply, waiting for the storm to pass.  

- Your elementary-aged child is furious that it’s time to turn off the iPad. Instead of yelling, you acknowledge their frustration, hold firm on the boundary, and offer a hug when they’re ready.  

- Your teenager storms into the house, ranting about how unfair life is. You listen, stay steady, and remind them of the house rules without getting caught up in the chaos.  

Did you notice the common thread?  

Calm  

In every example, the parent stays as calm as possible. Why? Because when you stay calm, you help your child borrow that calm. Your regulated nervous system sends the message: “You’re safe. I’ve got you. You’re going to be okay.”  


Why Coregulation Matters So Much  

The reason coregulation is so critical is that it helps children develop self-regulation over time. Kids don’t just magically learn to manage their emotions on their own—they learn by experiencing co-regulation first. The more they feel what calm feels like, the more they can access it themselves as they grow.  

But here’s the challenge:  

Kids with highly sensitive nervous systems struggle with self-regulation more than most. These kids—who might be extra sensitive to sensory input, prone to big emotional reactions, or easily overwhelmed—need more coregulation than many children. Their brains and bodies work differently, and it doesn’t take much to send them into meltdown mode.  

That means they need a lot of help learning to regulate.  

And that brings us to the big question: How do you keep your own calm when your child is losing theirs?  


You Can’t Fake Calm—And Your Child Will Know If You Try  

Let’s be honest: it’s hard to stay calm when your child is screaming, crying, hitting, or throwing insults your way. And yet, fake calm almost never works.  

You can’t just grit your teeth, slap on a smile, and force yourself to say, “It’s okay, honey,” while internally thinking, *I swear, if you do this one more time, I’m going to lose my mind.*  

Because even if your words sound calm, your energy won’t be. And kids—especially kids with sensitive nervous systems—are experts at picking up on what’s left unsaid.  

They don’t just hear your words; they feel your emotions. And if what you’re saying doesn’t match what you’re broadcasting, they’ll sense the disconnect, making it even harder for them to regulate.  

So, what’s a parent to do?  

How to Support Your Child—And Yourself  

First, remember that no parent gets this right 100% of the time. Research suggests that being a “good enough” parent means getting it right about 30% of the time—which means it’s okay if you lose your cool more often than not. The goal is progress, not perfection.  

Second, focus on taking care of yourself so that you have the capacity to co-regulate when your child needs it.  

- Prioritize rest and recharge when you can. Yes, I know—easier said than done. But even small breaks, deep breaths, or a moment of stillness can help you reset.  

- Shift your mindset. Instead of thinking, “Why do I have to do this all the time?” try, “I am teaching my child a skill they will use for life”. Instead of thinking, “They’ll never figure this out,” try, “They won’t always need me this much.” (Hint: the new versions have to feel true, so it might take some “zhuzhing” to get them just right). 

- Give yourself grace. Some days, you’ll stay steady. Other days, you won’t. That’s normal. When you mess up, acknowledge it, reset, and move forward.  

Sometimes, Parents Need Support, Too  

If this sounds exhausting, that’s because it is. Parenting a child with a sensitive nervous system takes more patience, more energy, and more emotional work than most people realize. And sometimes, you need support just as much as your child does.  

That’s where parent coaching comes in.  

A parent coach helps you navigate the challenges of raising a child with unique needs, giving you strategies that actually work for your child’s brain and body. They also help you—the parent—find ways to manage your own stress, reframe your mindset, and avoid burnout.  

Because the truth is: your child’s regulation starts with your regulation.  

And when you have the tools, the support, and the space to take care of yourself, you’ll be in a much better position to show up as the calm, steady presence your child needs.  

Your child is learning. And so are you.  

You don’t have to do this alone. 💙

xo G

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