Why your child is charming with adults but has a hard time with kids.

Why Does My Complicated Child Prefer Adults to Kids?

As a parent of a complicated kiddo, you may have noticed that your child gravitates more towards adults than peers. I want to let you know that this is pretty common among some children. There are several reasons why your child might feel more comfortable around adults, and understanding these can help you better support them and their nervous systems.

1. Maturity and Predictability

Adults tend to be WAY more predictable in their behavior and communication. This is super comforting for a highly sensitive child. Clear, consistent communication helps kids stay calm and regulated, and that feels really good! Adults often provide this stability, making interactions less stressful and more enjoyable.

Children, on the other hand, are UNpredictable, both physically and verbally. Children often behave in ways that are overwhelming or confusing to a sensitive child. The unpredictability can lead to anxiety or discomfort, making adult company more appealing.

2. Shared Interests

Some children have intense, focused interests, sometimes known as "special interests” (or SPINs). These interests are sometimes more advanced or detailed than those of their peers, making it harder for them to connect with other children. I once knew a four year old who could name every car type by looking at your car key from across the room, and then tell you all the features of that vehicle. Adults are more likely to engage deeply in these conversations, showing genuine interest and providing the intellectual stimulation that the child craves. 

At a minimum, adults are WAY better at feigning interest when listening to a detailed explanation of the solar system for the 10010th time. If your child is fascinated by a specific topic like dinosaurs, space, or a particular book series, adults are better able to engage with them in meaningful discussions about these topics. Their peers, not so much. If your child does have a special interest, it’s important to help your child find peers who share similar interests. Check out my interview with Caroline Turner from Quirky Buds on the Complicated Kids Podcast for more on friendships and how Quirky Buds helps with that.

3. Social and Emotional Understanding

Children are still learning social cues, and some kiddos don’t ‘grab on’ to social cues automatically. This makes peer interactions challenging. When kids don’t understand something, at best, they just walk away (and at worst, this is where teasing/bullying can come in). Because adults have a better understanding of (and lots more practice with) these social and emotional complexities, they may be more patient and forgiving of social differences. This creates a safer, more supportive environment for your child to express themselves without fear of judgment or misunderstanding.

4. Avoidance of Peer Pressure

The social dynamics among children can be intense and overwhelming, particularly for kids who struggle with understanding or navigating peer pressure and social hierarchies. Adults generally don't impose the same kinds of social expectations or pressures, allowing sensitive children to interact in a way that feels more natural and less stressful.

By spending time with adults, children can engage in social interactions that are free from the competitive or conformist pressures they might encounter with their peers, allowing them to be themselves without feeling the need to fit in or conform. This is a beautiful thing that we shouldn’t overlook!

5. Comfort with Structure

Structured environments where the rules and expectations are clear are really comforting for sensitive kiddos. Adults are more likely to provide this kind of structure in their interactions, setting clear boundaries and following established routines. This can be incredibly reassuring for a child, who might find the less structured, spontaneous play that is typical among peers to be overwhelming or confusing.

Supporting Your Child’s Social Development

While it’s natural to feel concerned if your child prefers adult company over that of their peers, it's also  important to recognize that this preference is a part of their unique way of navigating the world. They’re ok as they are; and there are some things we can do to help our kids make meaningful peer connections.

Here are a few tips:

• 1:1 Playdates: In an environment where your child feels safe and comfortable, schedule a SHORT playdate with ONE other child who might be a good match. We’re talking ONE HOUR. 

• Small Group Activities: Consider small group settings or activities centered around their interests. This can help them gradually build confidence in interacting with other children while not having to focus on the direct interaction with other kids quite so much.. 

• Respect Their Comfort Zone: While it’s important to encourage socialization, it’s equally important to respect your child’s preferences and comfort levels. Pushing them too hard into social situations that feel overwhelming can backfire and increase anxiety.

• Work with Professionals: If social interactions are a significant challenge for your child, consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in helping children with social challenges. They can provide targeted strategies and support to help your child develop more comfort in social situations in a way that feels safe and manageable.

Final Thoughts

Please remember that we are NOT trying to make kids look like, act like, or socialize like some “average” way of socializing. That would be teaching masking, and masking is really Hard Work (more on masking in a later post). 

All kids are different, and understanding why your child prefers adults can help you approach their social development with empathy and insight. By recognizing the reasons behind this preference, you can better support your child in navigating both adult and peer interactions, helping them build a diverse and fulfilling social life on their own terms.

If you found this post helpful, please send it to a friend who might also enjoy learning about this topic. Together, we can support each other in raising amazing, unique kids.