Validation Is Free

Your two year old only wants mama. She keeps saying “mama, mama mama!” But Mama’s working, and it’s Dad’s turn to play. Dad distracts, redirects and tries to help her forget that what she really wants is Mama.

Or

Your four year old walks over to the pantry and requests a snack in no uncertain terms. It’s not snack time yet. You tell him this and then suggest an activity or wave a toy in front of his face in an attempt to get him away from the pantry door.

Or

Your tween has been complaining for 100 hours now that they’re bored and just “know” that the only thing they want to do is watch 20 more minutes of YouTube. Just 20 more (yeah, right.) You tell them they’ve had far too much screen time; that you weren’t allowed to watch any TV when you were a kid, and that they should feel lucky to have any screen time at all.

Has this been you? 

You know what your child wants, but they just can’t have it now. 

It stresses you out, because you know that they really really want it. And they’ll probably cry if they can’t have it. They may even go nuclear on you and have an epic meltdown.

It feels tempting to try and ignore your child’s desire and distract them toward something that is possible; something that they can have.

But, here’s the problem with this approach. It’s completely invalidating to your child. Not only that, but often, we make things worse. When kids really want something and they perceive that they’re not being heard or acknowledged, that’s what can trigger the big meltdowns.

I’m gonna make a BOLD statement here and say this:

Validating an emotion or a desire - no matter how random or impossible - is always a good idea.

Validation is free. Validation is...well.. validating.

It can be the gift that we give a child who’s struggling with their own mind.

They really want that cookie! Right now.

They really want mama! Right now!

They really want to watch YouTube! Right now!

It’s just true: they want those things. Saying it or not saying it doesn’t make them any less true. Not acknowledging the urges doesn’t make them any less urgent. 

And here’s the thing:

Articulating those desires -- particularly when your child can’t do it for themselves (but even for older kiddos who can)  -- will let your child know that you hear them. That you understand. That you’re sympathetic.

Now, before you go all “But I can’t just let them do whatever they want all the time” on me, let me be clear: 

Validating is NOT THE SAME as giving in.

Validating just means acknowledging that your child wants something.

And validating is only part of what you’ll do in these sticky situations. 

What to do is completely up to you.

You might choose to take your little one up to see Mama. Or not.

You might choose to give your child a snack even though it’s not snack time. Or not.

You might give your kid another 20 minutes of screen time. Or not.

As long as you’re clear in your communication, calm in your manner, and recognize that there are consequences to any response, you can create whatever boundaries you think are needed.

For example, if you choose to take your child up to see Mama, there’s a good chance that Mama will be busy and won’t be able to cuddle your little one the way they’d like. Which might trigger a meltdown. Or not.

If you don’t take your child up to see that Mama’s working, it might trigger a meltdown. Or not.

If you know that your child is growing, had a small breakfast and might still be hungry, you might decide to adjust the snack schedule, which might trigger a meltdown. Or not.  

If your child had an enormous breakfast, you might wait to give your child a snack, which might trigger a meltdown. Or not.

You see where this is going?

The trick is to know and like your reasons for acting or not acting. And this is where folks get tripped up. Because they feel like there’s only one answer, and they want their kids to like that answer.

But if you’ve been on the Mommy Facebook Groups lately, you know there are 1132346 different responses to the same situation. No one can tell you what the right answer is. Because there is no right answer. There’s only the answer that you decide on and decide to live with.

And, in the history of the world, “thanks, parent, for the lesson you’re teaching me in self-restraint and good habits” is a thing that no child has said. Ever.

Validate the emotion. Create the boundary. Live through the meltdown if it comes. Repair if necessary.

Rinse and repeat. You’ve got this.